Breaking
my Mortality
I am not worried about the grieving
process – my life will be over and I shall be dead. However, I am concerned
about those I leave behind as I break my mortality and find the end of my life
cycle a moment of grim pleasure. Thinking of dying has had a profound influence
on my thinking while alive. I think it haunts me more than I admit to but
regardless, I am ready to deal with it the best I know how.
There is no denial of me dying. I
confronted this matter since I was thirty six years old when I thought I was a
dead man because of my lifestyle and my choices. It was then when I realized
that I was susceptible to this fear of dying because either I was unprepared to
die or I was unable to deal with it. Today, it has become a total new
experience – I am ready to deal with it; the fact is my impending death is not
only happening but inevitable.
This experience is not new and unreal
in any manner. It is possible and not impossible that the time is coming sooner
than later. Simply said, I fear a painful prolonged death more than death
itself. I pray I fall asleep and never wake up. Under the best circumstances,
facing one’s own mortality is very difficult and breaking it up in pieces is in
fact, impossible for it will happen.
We all have a death sentence. The
task of dying has been mandated the moment you were born so there is no time
for denial and premature mourning. Worrying about my death is next to
impossible yet, it doesn’t matter as much as it did before. I would rather die
in peace than in chaos. I fear the fire but not the cold. I don’t want to be
morbid about it but at the same time, I can’t dwell on my fate – death is coming
whether I like it or not.
There is no coping strategy here –
death is inopportune and knocks on the door any moment you are still alive.
There is no anger here for I have learned of my fate much sooner in life than I
care to admit. I am thankful of the happiness I enjoyed, the blessings received
and the life I lived. My accomplishments are real and my mind has committed its
own thoughts that I feel more sanguine about dying than ever before.
I have witnessed the deaths of my
mother and father – I am ambivalent about my future as well as the time of my
death but I am certain it is coming. There is no rage, no sorrow or even
regrets that would cause me to have second-thoughts about me dying. I want to
gently say good night and turn out the light.
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