Saturday, September 6, 2014

Letters home in my first war




 Letters home in my first war

I must have written a few hundred or so letters in my first war. I seem to recollect writing once a day but not remembering if I finished them, got them mailed or if the war interfered with my ability to deliver them to the right person to pass it on leaving it in my shirt or pants pocket for a later day. 

My recollection of my wartime correspondence reflects my pain, my sadness, my horror and my hopes of coming back to the real world away from all this hate and death that surrounds me. Reaching the age of nineteen, I was drafted into hell and put into a war I knew nothing about.

Day in day out I mingled with the war -wounded soldiers as a medic carrying my magic potion of the pain killing heroin and other goodies inside my bag on my side so I can ease the pain or stop the bleeding. 

Many times have I torn off clothing to get to the wounds and cover them with the dressing given until I ran out of them and began ripping tee shirts or other clothing to keep the soldier from bleeding to death. 

Some days we laughed and other days we cried but never was there a day I didn’t think about the ones I loved. Infested by leeches, mosquitoes and other creatures from hell, I was bitten a thousand times a week working hard to keep the others from becoming sick, weak or infected with some of the world’s strangest and unknown diseases so new they didn’t even have a name for them yet. 

In my letters I refrained from revealing my real experiences for I didn’t want to cause concern for myself and others as we dug in deep and flush with the dirt as the mortars fired over our heads. Never once did I burden my loved ones with matters of concern other than waiting to go home again. Never once do I remember writing such things.

I didn’t keep any of my letters for I saw no reason to hang onto the warlike air they were written and any involvement of such misery after I came home didn’t matter to me any longer. I left that all behind and tried to move onto a new and more positive experience with the free world. I know I remember thanking God for my safety and keeping me alive. 

I know I expressed gratitude for the men that protected me and those who persistently took care of me as I took care of others. I recall telling my love to not worry about me for I was in a good place trying to give consolation that there was no need to worry about and the first war I have ever been involved in. The truth was not a necessary evil. 

There were expressions of what I saw, smelled, touched and heard. My memory recalls beauty and ugliness as well as discipline and chaos. Never in a heavenly spirit nor a morbid one, I tried to temper my spirit to reflect a distinction between good and evil, clean and unclean and real and imagination. My affliction of life was in constant battle with my addictions in life. 

When I had time to write I was never alone. Soldiers from different backgrounds joined me as we ate, slept and fought side by side. No lines to divide us, no racial distinctions made, we were brothers in arms and kept it a little bit on the wild side to keep from being too relaxed in the first war I ever fought in. 

Some were illiterate and asked for help writing their letters. Some drew pictures that make us laugh as we were sure it would make others laugh too. We wrote no war secrets, we stayed away from the truth and reality that surrounded us as we masked our fear with the love we had for each other and our families so far away. 

My letters were messages from the heart and not the violence that engulfed us almost every minute of the day and made worse in our nightmares of the night. These letters were easy to understand.They were simply written and without any suspicion of any wrongdoings, failings or accusations about anyone or anything. If one could have smelled the paper the letter was written on, one would have detected traces of fire and smoke. 

Our guilt was more than we could bare and we certainly did not want to share it or pass it on to our loved ones who had their own troubles and concerns over there. We rarely wrote a letter that contained any terror and we certainly did not hint or suggest that we were in any danger for to worry the innocents was wrong and we knew that from the start. 

There were times when my mind was empty but my heart kept telling me “what more can I write.” Certainly I didn’t want to write about the numerous deaths, the infectious nature of the plague, the common found venereal disease or the malaria that was killing people with the fever so my letters were more or less infected with some make believe or fictional stories about how the day went for a soldier fighting his first war. 

We were taught this by those who had been there longer as they preached to us to stay away from writing letters that were gloomy to read. We did write about those moments that captured the good things in life.

 The brotherhood, the friendships and the events that took place in the most remote but populated areas, the awning of tents in the camps and the little tables around the fire when those chilly nights were wet and damp because of the monsoon season.
We gave hints of our awareness and the presence among other people who looked different, spoke different languages and ate strange dishes of food. 

We shared our experiences the best we could without opening any doors of evil and writing home was a blessed event for this soldier who wrote hundreds of war letters in the first war he was in.

Getting old is like a dying animal






Getting old is like a dying animal

Getting old is like a dying animal waiting for its time to turn to ashes and back to the earth it came from
Whether extinct, endangered or a plentiful species, the world stands not still for death as it revolves from day to night and night to day
Even the mightiest eagle will one day fall from the sky one day as its wings tire and its soul weakens
The young will see them all but none can catch them as they fall as they sit high upon the trees and sing them dying songs
Even the young realize that whatever is born will eventually die and whatever passes will also die

Walking along with the sky on fire, the grizzly bear looks up high and feel the wind of death upon him
No more salmon, no more fish or flesh crowded streams will come as their summer ends and their strength gives in to nature’s call to lay down on the grass and rest his head forever.
Caught in a most spiritual moment, the bear knows the ends of his magnificence or beauty
His claws, his powerful limbs will no longer roam the windy snow covered grass and hunt for food
Like a dying animal he knows his time is ending and whatever is born must die

I have experienced several dying generations of man and animals of all kinds
I have seen the light and heard the music that God’s gift has scattered amongst us
I am old and I am dying and I have no will to live beyond my calling or desires as I await God’s call
For my eyes have seen the glory of heaven and await the warm amber flames of God’s own fire
As I submit my heart and soul for my time is near hoping not to fall into the artifice of heaven but rather a chance for eternity with angels around me

An aged man but not a feeble man I remember my wants and my desires
I have worn a tattered coat as well as having worn a crown of a king in my days
I know whatever is begotten and born must die but having no regrets I am caught in a moment of desire, I know my hands are wrinkled, my ears still hear music and together they clap harder in rhythm  
There is no country for old men as heaven is just a step away unless I failed in moral dress
As I prepare myself for the eventual mortality that each and every man faces when they are young

Why First Responders Commit Suicide




Why First Responders Commit Suicide

There appears to be a disturbing trend happening in the public service sector when it comes to suicides. There are too many incidents of suicidal deaths among police officers, correctional officers  and although it cannot fully be explained as to why they did it or why it is happening because we cannot speak of certain circumstances except that these employees all share common thread as first responders, veterans of a military service branch and an enthusiasm for serving to protect and serve in various occupations within the public service sectors. 

When you begin to research suicides the results are frightening. Their rate of killing themselves is much higher than the average rate nationally and should show a natural vulnerability to having suicidal thoughts while engaged in their jobs. It seems the toll takes on several concerns that include mental health stability, their physical health, addictions and their ability to deal with stress and secondary stress such as vicarious post-traumatic stress as a result of job related incidents. 

The first step needing to be addressed is the provision of confidential counseling services to help cope with the stressors while recognizing the warning signs. Unfortunately despite of some of these individual efforts, there are no mass recovery tools available that allows many to fall between the cracks of this phenomena. Their job is filled with acute stress, social isolation, pre-existing mental illnesses, and substance abuse. A common link too many professional occupations has been found to exist among this group of workers and many others including doctors, nurses and lawyers.

One may wonder if the social pressures of the job or the workplace culture might push them into these critical conditions that sets them up for suicidal ideations and feelings of no hope for recovery. Normally filled with workplace energies and motivational spirits abound, there appears to be a force within this culture that drains them beyond their reserves of resilience making them vulnerable at times. 

For both men and women in this work-related force, fearlessness and courage is a required ingredient. This puts a tremendous strain on their own psyche to feel pressured to project emotional and physical prowess, confidence and an ability to deal and manage anything placed on their shoulders. Carrying such pressures of expectation takes a toll on the best of the best and can create many self-doubting moments for them. 

They feel they must masquerade as being strong and confident at all times. They must pretend to be untroubled even when they are struggling within themselves and identify sound judgment and decisions based on the moments in front of them. Many won’t admit they need help themselves. One thing is for certain – these internal pressures to excel and perform are real and won’t be reduced anytime soon. 

Their need to be infallible to make mistakes will not lessen as the world they live in changes rapidly and requires quick thinking and a limited legal ability to get the job done right. Their jobs as first responders will require them to step it up another notch as well as their ability to maintain a comprehensive understanding of what is expected of them by their agency and the public. 

Monday morning quarterbacks and hindsight observations makes it emotionally hard for first responders to accept poor outcomes. They know that being blamed comes with the job but with the drastic increase of responsibilities they know the public and their own leadership does not realize how much the job overwhelms them and how it is marked with severe fatigue, errors on the job, fear of being harmed by others. 

All this plus dealing with a severe sense of inadequacy as their job requirements change from moment to moment making up to date training almost impossible at real time strides. Keeping a charade of composure and humor to blend in with coworkers they sometimes believe they are in this struggle alone when in fact, their plight is more common than realized. 

A fear of being exposed of this subconscious feeling they go into denial and refuse to confess there are issues they need to deal with in a timely manner and very often ignored until it is too late. The workplace culture does not allow them to be able to express or voice these self-doubts or fears. They are unable to talk about them and their emotional or physical impacts for the fear of embarrassment and possible shunning from others keeps them silent.
A culture that encourages us to share these vulnerabilities could help us realize that we are not alone and find comfort and increased connection with our peers. It could also make it easier for first responders who are at risk to ask for help. And I believe it would make us all better public servants.