7 Holes in my Soul
When I turned 18, I felt a vibration
come over me. It wasn’t a physical change but rather, it was a deep psychological
bone-shattering experience that I had never experienced before. I had always
thought I was one of the fortunate ones. A lucky guy with a guardian angel on
my shoulders. Little did I realize that this change that came over me would
ravage my soul forever.
My heart was restless, and my soul
was deeply in love with my high school sweetheart. I married out of fear of
losing her and was almost instantly cursed with negative feelings and emotions.
Inside my head, I knew I was a
complicated man. Not only was my heart restless but it was also broken. It felt
like there was a hole in my soul.
My feelings were aching, my emotions
turned stone cold and my funny bone had disappeared. No sense of humor, my
sarcasm ruled my daily use of words that sometimes resembled hate or disgust of
the world around me. I felt that I didn’t have a choice in the matter of controlling
my emotions. I felt like self-control had left me and that my destiny was now
controlled by my anger inside me.
The fear was real. I knew that I would
be separated from those whom I loved merely by the fact that we were at war and
that all young men, poor and uneducated were prime beef for the Army. I saw my
friends enlist to avoid being drafted but none were rich enough to go to
college and get a deferment. It was more than fear, it was a horror show that
was real and every day I lived in the shadow of death, I grew more and more
towards the dark side of life. I lost all faith in love, religion and the ways
to walk on the narrow path of righteousness.
My mind was racing, it could not
find a place to stop and reset itself to return
my head to some state of normalcy. There was a hole in my soul and I couldn’t
control it. I felt like I was in a state of vertigo, spiraling out of control
and sure to hit bottom any time of the day now. I fed this sensation of
paranoia pills and booze. I hit the bottle harder and more often to ease the
pain but to no avail, I couldn’t regain control as the fear of death and misery
wouldn’t go away. In the end, my head was swarmed with spider webs and dark
clouds as I kept feeding it pills and booze in a frenzy that would have killed
an ordinary man who was sober.
Yes, it was true that alcohol and
drugs eroded my soul to the point of no return. From the moment I was drafted
into the Army, I was forced to choose between life and death. At 19, I went to
war as a medic and taught how to kill and heal people. An incongruity if I ever experienced one but I did
my duty without complaining and found myself wedged between a rock and a hard
place much more than I want to mention. Inside my head, I refused to accept the
possibility that a higher power could help me. I was doomed to die an early death.
Aware of it or not, the conscience
and conscious mind kept the battle
raging. No matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t heal. There were always room for more rage and pain. It wouldn’t go away. Even now, although its been years ago,
it still happens and I don’t understand why as I am now an old man who has aged
almost a quarter of a century.
Aware of it or not, most people
suffer from a condition best described as a spiritual disease. But inside my heart I knew it
was more than a disease or disorder, I knew it had grown to be a part of me
forever. Although I have gotten rid of the pills and alcohol, there is still
the mass presence of anxiety and
depression. I may appear to be physically fit but inside I was a mess.
Seven times time in my life I experienced
the side effects of this condition. Some people like to sweep their own misery
under the carpet and move on with the baggage still there but deeply hidden. Seven
times did I experience sorrow and the agony of defeat in trying to find total
bliss and happiness. In the process, I have experienced rage, pain, and sorrow related to losing faith in myself
and confidence that I was on the right path to correct this feeling.
There was a time where I would do
anything to make others happy. I would collect the emotional blackmail and
coerce myself into relationships that were based on trying to make things work
when in fact, it was never to be. In the process, I became a workaholic, alcoholic,
food junkie and a druggie. I tried everything to dull the pain but still, I would
trip over my own two feet and it was just a matter of time before I would fall
again and hurt myself or others.
In this case of my life, I spent
more than 30 years living with a broken soul that kept the light out and with
certainty beyond doubt, sealed the darkness
inside of me. I was a borderline wreck. It was a scary and lonely place to be
and joy and happiness escaped me at every turn of my life. Without a doubt, it
was the fear, the silent desperation and the deliberate detachment from others
that kept me in human chains in finding the bliss I believed I deserved. I was
in fact, my own worst enemy.
I realized I created this
disconnection by the emotions I harbored inside of me. It caused me to be mean-spirited, divorced from those I loved and
shortened my life that could have been filled with joy rather than despondency. In doing so, I knowingly caused a ripple effect. A causation
that harmed many around me and passed on stress, hate, anger, and tension with those who I loved or met. It was
enough to deprive others to get to know the real me and vice versa – I lost a
chance to know those who loved me.
