A Rusty Heart

A Rusty Heart

An abandoned heart, on the outskirts of my soul, is all that is left after a devastating loss in my life. A heart and soul that once hummed to the rhythms of life, are now in misery and loneliness.

My heart meant everything to me, it kept me ticking and in touch with life and my inner passions. It was my spiritual foundation and a source of pride that I carried it on my sleeve, unlike so many others who hid theirs well.

For the longest time, my heart competed with the hearts of others. Every time they came up with a new game, my heart adjusted and overcame their tricks to capture mine. It was that way for decades before my heart was broken and never healed whole again.

Without the heart, the body cannot thrive or gain any pleasure. It needs a heart to keep things going and the fire inside alive. Clinging on to life, worrying that the next heartache would mean death to my heart, I tried to shield it the best I could but it still fell apart.

Now my heart is rusty and cracks show the stress it has endured over time. These stress cracks have created holes big enough to cause emotions to leak out from the eyes and turn into tears. Since it has been broken once too many times, it is now closed.

Emotions disappeared, spirits vanished and a coldness set in that put fear inside my head that it was all but over. I worried that my heart would never be whole again as the cracks inside its scarred tissue, revealed it was definitely broken.

Fighting hard to revitalize my heart, my soul and my spirits hasn’t been easy. What is left is a rusty heart that can only withstand so much pressure and so little pain. The struggles endured have brought me nothing by emptiness and much of the rust is now settled dust that is impossible to see.

The pain has been magnified by loss of hope and despair. Surely this rusty heart deserves a greater chance of survival and attention. It has suffered badly under the recession of feelings and emotions that were complicated by my human spirit to fight off any surrender or defeat to the world as it stood.

Searching deeply for a greater share of life’s opportunities to seek a stimulus package for help to fight off the rust and despair, it is with high hopes to invest in a new infrastructure that will salvage my soul.

These improvements to revitalize my inner self shall focus on rebuilding my spirit and faith in all those things I once believed in strongly. Looking beyond tomorrow, I see the greener fields of hope and faith bring me charity and love I once knew.

I have not abandoned any thoughts of giving up; I will never surrender. I shall keep my backbone straight and walk the line to face the fires. For a rusty heart can heal with love and care; erasing the pain can forge a future.

Serpent at the Door

Serpent at the Door

Every now and then, you hear a knock on the door that makes you shiver for your mind is telling you, there is something evil lurking outside your door. We all have lives to live and most of us do it with episodes of monsters and other creatures filling in spaces where we shouldn’t have gone or traveled too far. Always faced with curiosity or temptation, the door is a portal that should never be taken for granted.

Our lives are multidimensional in existence but there are times we end up in a single zone; a zone that is unquestionably the scariest of them all because it is filled with fear. Lifting the veil of fear, you find many reasons for taking on such draconian journey into a cave of darkness. There are no reasonable motives why you expose yourself to this but you do. It’s a way of life that tests us of our own free will and our ability to stand up to the unknown that lurks around us.

The fact remains we all do it at one time or another. We all travel through a darkness at one time or another as we explore the world around us either spiritually or emotionally. A true realization of fear comes when you are trapped inside this tunnel of darkness that seems to have no end. It seems to be leading you nowhere and you know you can ill afford any protection against the dangers.

Hence, you become subject to or vulnerable to a spiritual invasion, a darkness that can overwhelm the light and trap deep emotions. There is an invisible trap door to enter and a non-existent exit door to find. The entire journey is done through blindness as the eyes cannot find the light. Hidden, pale and filled with distress, you wonder how you will make out of this mess. Your senses tell you the door is near, but your hands are trembling with the fear.

There are no keys, no maps to unlock or find this door. When you travel the Serpent’s Trail, the interior is filled with darkness, shielding your eyes from the light. You must travel without help to find the exterior – there are no markers to help you along the way. Shaking mildly, you see the monsters and creatures, blocking your way to the door that you finally fund after frantic searching and traveling.

For a moment, your heart stands still, as the darkness tests your will. Ten feet away, you make your move as you are determined to leave this cave you entered freely while searching for something. Guided by only our instincts to survive, you have endured the presence of stealthy characters known to be your enemies and as the tunnel narrows, your efforts to make it past these enemies become very challenging.

Ten feet seemed like a hundred feet of maze, twisting turns and numerous trip hazards. Your mind plays tricks as you finally reach the light. In life, there are more than two paths to take- what is noteworthy is which path takes you to what journey. Knowing which path to travel is often complicated leading you to make many choices. Choices that are significant to sustain your progress through the darkness and complete the travel necessities in order to complete this journey.

There are no easy options, they are all equally cumbersome and hard for the final step you take in this quest is the step to freedom. Presumably you dodge the skeletons and bones found along the way, avoid the bites of the rats that are at your feet and the smiling faces of the characters you meet. This journey will never be easy. This journey will never end. Every time you open the door after hearing a knock, the serpent may be waiting for you to come outside and take a step on his favorite trail of doom and despair called the darkness. 

Break these chains of Pain

Break these Chains of Pain

An Ode of Loneliness

I never believed that making money could bring you happiness or erase the pain that it brings without your awareness

Living your life in the bright lights and fancy places does not add up too much when there isn’t so much or enough to gain

When the blood runs deep and cold, frozen to everything you touch

It is time to reflect yourself and break these chains of pain

Walking away from your dreams, can bring you happiness

A difficult path to take away of what you thought would be enough

It’s just a matter of what you prioritize in your life, for happiness is not something you can buy or gain by selling your soul

If only, you could break these chains of pain

When alone at the end of the evening, is brings you nothing at all that life tolls

Searching for that peaceful easy feeling, and dreaming of the one you love

Can bring you the happiness you have been seeking and that was once lost

Struggling to be free from these chains of pain

Knowing it was hard to change your ways, you found new ways to settle down your life, without all the running around

Ending up with family, friends and lovers, while both feet are standing firmly on the ground.

So it’s true, I gave up being a dreamer so I could settle down my ways

Realizing the neon lights are fading, and thinking about the ones who made my life special in so many ways

I may never cross these highways of life again; it may be it will leave me all alone at the end of the evening

Somewhere, while driving alone, I saw a sign that told me to stop turning out and burning out as they there turning out to be the same

So instead of wasting my time, spending it chasing a dead and already fading dream

I freely chose to break these chains of pain

I turned my back to admit, I had nothing to believe in anymore and that to keep going, would get me nowhere

Resting on my laurels of the past, I knew I would be alright if I could just remain sane and not worry about tomorrow

Agreements aplenty, there were times when what we had just wasn’t enough to keep us going in that direction

So in the end, I chose to spend my evenings alone with my thoughts struggling within myself to bear these chains of pain

Sipping Coffee - Life Can't get better than this -

Sipping Coffee in the early Mornings – 

Life can’t get better than this.

Every early dawn, I pull the white metal framed lawn chair with white plastic straps into the brightness of the rising daybreak sun. A 12 oz. cup in hand, taking in the time God has given me for my retirement in life, I am spending these days dreaming about making my necessary pilgrimage towards the end of days to come. As soon as I sit, my puppy finds her way under the chair and stretches out her body to feel the cool damp ground underneath her as she watches over me.

Living in a place, not too far from the sprawling metropolitan city of Los Angeles, I view the sky, the birds, the living things around me with great peace of mind, knowing that I am well on my way to finding an eternal peace within myself and life itself. Reaching for the sky, I often think of the past and my times in Ohio, New Mexico, California and of course Arizona. Longing to see New Mexico once more, I plan to travel this year to see the hot air balloons rising into the cold dampened air around Albuquerque.

Needless to say, I have had some memorable days of excitement and roughness in my life but those days are all but left behind me now. For the time being, my life has settled to ashes and dust of the past and dreams of a glorious day after this coming sunset. Taking every day, one day at a time, I live it to only pray for tomorrow. My past has been filled with romance, adventure, laughter and sorrow. There were moments of war, conflict, harmony and peace but nothing that could bring me back to apologize for whatever I endured, was not for a better purpose than to live for tomorrow.

So at some point, we start asking ourselves, why did these things happen and for what reasons do we question our past; where is the glory, and all the regrets? What is home and where is my place in life when this retreat from the rest of the world takes place in life?

I have now engaged in a full circle of events, that carry no special meanings; however, these are positive engagements meaningful to me. This journey or paths that have been guided by fate and destiny, has embraced my life as I want it to be known when those last days comes in fact together. I want you to know who I was and where I came from but more important, who I am today. It is only right that my legacy is filled with facts that gives someone pleasures to remember me by and laugh about it together. Even if that someone is a remotely placed best friend from the past who knows me better than myself.

Fortunately, I have traveled frequently around the world from South Asia to Europe, from Europe to the Americas and from the Americas back to Asia. The most stressful journey was back to the Americas from Southeast Asia and now, for the very last time ever, I am settling in my spot in the circle of life that is ever glowing with the fires of passion and desires to be happy. Dealing with the reality that was slowly setting in, I am glad that I endured the challenges presented to me throughout my life, they shaped my mind, my heart and passions. In all this, reality set in. A reality that could be hard to face if it wasn’t so full of controversies and agreements.

You can’t buy love, happiness or pleasures; you have to go out into the world and find them and then earn the right to claim them for yourself, without the enablement of others. Standing on your own two feet, with one solid heart and mindset, bonded to make you stronger and give you the choices life offers when the journey is almost over.

Essentially speaking, no amount of wealth can buy you happiness, self-respect or understandings. They have to be gathered from the inside world and not from the external world we live in. thus we have to consider the fact that wealth, is not measured in money, but rather your own earthly possessions that you gathered on your journey that includes family, friends and lovers. More than anyone can ever realize, the dream is a living vision of the reality we have lived life.

These dreams cannot be shattered; they cannot be destroyed for their existence is forever. Dreams and visions, whether they are footsteps on the ground or in the clouds, enroll you in a class of wealth that can only be explained to be the good life God has promised us and loving every minute of it!

Suicide is not Painless

Suicide is not Painless –

Suicide is the Pain inside before death comes

 

During my lifetime, there have been numerous occasions that suicide came to mind, but for some weird or illogically driven spiritual or ethical reason; although never committed to carry it out all the way and be successful at killing myself. One of the first questions people ask is ‘how would you do it?’ first things first, is the question posed, ‘why do it at all?’ Why would you kill yourself?’ The answers might surprise you unless you have found yourself inside that circle of fire, despair or self-pity. The reasons are abundant and not easy to pin down to just one to cure all inquisitions.

Some people has expressed suicide because they were lonely and loneliness is a killer for many. Contemplating a final act to die is not easy. It takes a lot of planning and courage, yet the oxymoron of this paradox of life and death is that is also perceived to be a cowardice to die. What is curious is how cultures perceive this final act to die in different perspectives and make it socially or religiously acceptable or unacceptable.

Many revealed their suicide thoughts were major around their puberty or adolescent years with a special focus on teenage trial periods. This is when they are literally sitting on the edge of life and death, not really knowing how to deal with their mixed emotions. One cannot accept the fact that suicide is the ‘easier way out’ when it is so hard to actually do and do it right. This isn’t about dramatics, this is about living or dying because of confusing signals, frustrations, depression, feelings of despair and other negative influences in one’ life.

Nobody likes to talk about it; ask questions about it and discuss the reasons except to defuse an ongoing or active scenario where the suicide has begun to act out or take place. When this happens, it is a very dangerous situation aside from the fact that you are dealing with faceless strangers, temporarily lost in their own world, and not recognizing you or anyone else as a source for help or relief of the inner pain that crushes your heart and breaks it apart. Make no bones about it, you never know how someone is going to act, when someone you're talking to is on the edge.

When things get so stressful and you want to escape, suicide has been known to cure this for once and for all times. The best defense to despair and stress or high levels of anxiety is to give that person hope; making them see or feel that there are solutions around the corner with the help of others and surge an inner spirit to be able to fight off any suicide urges with sheer willpower and a burning desire to live. To tell them it’s a wasteful terrible thing to do does not help the reasoning for living.

Suicides are high in teenagers, veterans, transgendered persons, elderly and others diagnosed with a serious mental illness or physical or medical disabilities. The list is endless and for each of them, they are all feeling desperate in times where their lives feels like a living hell. Personally, my life has touched base with many aspects of hopelessness, abandonment, guilt, loneliness and much more. I have never condoned the act of suicide but I understand the journey a person takes to commit to it; they journey is more pain than anyone can ever imagine. I have made partial journeys that brought me to the point of decision and my decision has been to remain among the living for the time being.

              

Erroneously, I thought of suicide as a basic form or relief, comfort for myself and others and knowing that finally, all that has happened will end. The older I get, the easier it is to accept death. The matter at hand is when, how and why it happens, I suspect that someday, my means to end it all might come to a reality between wanting to live and wanting to die. I also suspect the reason for such thoughts would be a ‘burden’ to others as your life is sustained on a partial but temporary level the older you get.

               

Then the other side of the paradigm is the loss and how it impacts those you love and who you feel are carrying the ‘burdens’ of your life by helping you go through the end of days with as much comfort, reasoning or understanding, as possible. This has been a positive deterrent for many who have loving spouses, family and friends who support them always. Not wanting to destroy what they have for you, you owe them to live and die a natural death. In this case, death is not an escape, it’s just not a justified reason to die anymore.

               

Life has a light switch that can make the perception light or dark – how you live, feel and rationalize whatever you have or deal with makes the trigger to turn the light on or off. As long as you live in the light, your life is meaningful, fulfilling and contributing those things you care for and the people you love. When your life goes dark, nothing else matters and the darkness gives you the courage to take a leap to the dark side without intentions of ever coming back into the light. For many, they are unable to find the light switch, one more time and turn the blackness into light. 

Rationally, these thoughts won’t end anytime soon. Even rational people suffer from their own delusions. How it affects them will differ but many will find ways to keep up with life or let it go. Whether you stop eating, drinking or both, pop the pills, asphyxiation, hanging or shooting yourself -  you have kept your mind on doing it with some kind of Grace and Honor but in reality, you know that is all BS, as you grew up there was no Grace and no Honor in committing suicide. 

Don't call me a hero

Don’t Call me a Hero

What do you Think?

People sling that word around today and attach it to anything they believe belongs or portrays a person who did something special. Like most heroes, these men and women are ordinary people who demonstrated deeds or acts of heroism by making decisions or choices that are or can be emotionally draining or worthy of our awe. Unfortunately, most heroes or heroines are recognized as special people after they take the ultimate sacrifice – death.

We seldom believe our own lives are filled with heroic moments worthy of recognition or awe either by self or others. Awe by self would include a genuine humbling in knowing that whatever it was we did; we did out of necessity or as a response to danger.

Certainly I would wonder what is a hero or what would happen if a hero fails – do they become the opposite and be called a failure or coward? Who are the people we make heroes? Why do we need heroes? What happens when a hero falls?

A hero is someone who “we” determine to have demonstrated behaviors and decisions that are ethically and emotionally worthy of our awe. Kindly spoken, this determination is considered purely a social status that is rarely matched by the deeds performed. In other words, the act is only worthy of hero status if the act is socially or culturally acceptable.

Hence, we have a paradox building within ourselves and society. What society perceives to be heroic may in fact, conflict with our own perceptions or emotions. How we see ourselves is rarely the same as others do. We might see something less worthy of such tagging and think that it was not at all a heroic event as announced or declared.

Then the dilemma of comparing ourselves to the acts of others and given similar conditions, we might think that if we made the same moves, acts, decisions etc. this would or should place us in the same elevated position in society as well as in our minds. Surely, we must understand that being a hero does not inspire self but rather, it inspires others by example.

It would also be reasonable to handle such an act or deed with the same emotional connection or level of enthusiasm but in all reality, that would be a very hard thing to do. Although we may want to connect to that same level, in a very personal or intimate way, it would be very difficult to do so.

In fact, society’s perception would be that you are a self-centered or narcissi person if a person was to accept that as an equal deed or act relative to being a hero. People would call these kinds of people fakes or great pretenders.

Why do we idolize someone and make them special? Why put them on a high rise stool and elevate them to that special high personal regard status and beg to connect ourselves with them in a manipulated way to garner their strengths, they stoic composure or other qualities perceived to be possessed by them after being tagged a hero.

We haven’t even talked about the connection by association method that people often used to cling to their special status in order to elevate themselves. Are we that desperate to admire, adore or try to emulate others rather than improving ourselves for the right reasons within our own means and rationale?

How do their accomplishments help yours? Just because we have been granted the privilege for their association, how does that give us any special status? Is it because we feel their accomplishments exceed those of our own and feeling insufficient or inadequate to match them?

Can you see where this is going as we struggle within ourselves to find a middle ground on this matter.  Even though they have done that which, we think, is beyond us, they connect with us. It would seem to be paradoxical, but for some reason, it is not.

My Life

My Life

Before the formation of my life, there was nothing – I didn’t exist therefore, nothing else existed. For me, there was nothing. No time, and no space - nothing. Life did not exist before my origin.

Yet, I am certain that at the exact time of my origin, I was but one of many origins in this big world. I was meant to be someone. It was said that I was nothing, yet, my origin tells me I was someone and I came from somewhere.

Yet, it is said, that before my time, there was time. But for me, this was the beginning of time. I knew nothing of time before me.

For my time began at my beginning, when I was born. The moment I took my first breath of life, my time began. I cannot say that before my origin, there was space, for I knew nothing of space until my origin began with living and being here on earth.  

Therefore, space did not exist before my time and neither did time – there was no time or space. It was created through my origin of being born and living and being here.

For me, it was a waste of time, space, energy, light and darkness; a pure waste of things before my origin was created.

Consequently, before my origin, there was nothing – no time, no space, no light, no energy – it was dark, very dark; the darkest part of my life, began at the origin of my birth, when the light came into my life.

Since my eyes did not exist, I could not see. Since my lungs did not collect the air, I could not breathe. Since my heart did not beat, I could not feel. It was pure darkness and still, it was nothing - no time, no space, no light and no energy – just nothing.

Suddenly, there was time, space, energy and light.

I was born of energy and matter. Through the gift of time, space, energy, light and darkness - my life was created and now it all matters. No longer living in the darkness, no longer blind to the light and feeling nothing.

They said it wouldn't sink - Analogies and Metaphors

They said it wouldn’t Sink

No matter how many officers are injured, inmates are killed, commit suicide or die from natural deaths, the Arizona Department of Corrections detail of its losses initiated by their own Investigative Units will stir a collective summary of blame on everyone except those in charge. Time has disclosed that regardless of a decade’s myriads of video or documentary films, books, interviews and evidence gathered, the facts won’t find blame with the administration for failing to meet their statutory requirements to protect the public, staff and inmates from harm or death.

Withstanding masses of liability lawsuits, legislative inquiries or informative requests, these records won’t tell the stories of the dead in their own words. From the moment, he took the helm of this ship, it was doomed for its demise. The ship’s captain, a seasoned but ill-equipped man for leadership, relied on internal systems and infra-structures to keep him and others safe. As this ship took on water, he continued to boast of its ability to survive, and sustain any damage to stay afloat. Yet, during his unrelenting denial, the ship is slowly sinking. If asked how many have been injured, killed or perished, the numbers would astonish but even this captain has lost count of his losses.

This ship does not have sufficient lifeboats to survive the journey or voyage for the duration of its mission. Unable to comply with any and all regulations, it finds itself in dire straits often and into the chambers of courtroom maritime judges who have ruled against him, amounting to millions of dollars of losses.

There are hopes of rescuing this ship, but it’s unlikely to happen; their manifestation will and charter carries no survival plan and no emergency procedures to bail out if it sinks rapidly. There will only be notification of next of kin of survivors and families of the victims. It will happen so quickly, no amount of preparation or planning can prevent the inevitable, death to the ship.

In the process of sinking, the captain shall destroy all evidence of malfeasance, and shred, delete, incinerate or destroy printed stationery, the necessary record cards, and all communication with those in collusion of this disaster. The ethical question of why a first-class ship was allowed to be degraded and deteriorated beyond repairs will become an issue for future investigation.

The unimaginable scale of this disaster will ruin the governor’s legacy. Lots of letters will come to Governor Doug Ducey from citizens who were angered, inspired, or impacted by the losses of many innocent and convicted but truly neglected. They will demand an investigation into the sinking, shared ideas for the prevention of such disasters in the future, or expressed sympathy for the dead. History will record the truth as how the captain failed his mission.

The governor will appoint someone to head up a legislative committee to investigate the sinking of the ship. The subcommittee's chairman, whoever is chosen will speak fervently of why the event even occurred when assured it would not sink. The governor’s course will be a simple and plain–to gather the facts relating to this disaster while they are still vivid realities.

Questions of diverse unethical conduct will give way to the universal desire for the simple truth. For many, the lives of those lost will be claimed as a sacrifice that cannot be reversed but without a doubt, been put in grave peril, it was vital that the entire matter should be reviewed before a tribunal if legislative action was to be taken for future guidance institutional and public safety.

We were once a civilized nation

We were once a civilized society

Before our Congress and state legislators passed laws to make us a civilized nation

We didn’t have the troubles like we do today

There were no gun controls, no infringements of our Constitutional amendments, no mass incarcerations, no building of jails to hold illegals and no walls to climb to freedom

Our schools taught us prayer and how we were blessed by our God above

Before these laws were passed, we were merely human being and not subject of a tyrannical government

We didn’t have to fear where we traveled, who we met or how we married and face being put in chains if we broke those laws.

It was all done by the heart, the mind and soul that was cleansed by faith in God

Because of laws passed, we cannot afford the many things in life that were once free and what we have belongs to the tax man or his proxy

We are now too civilized to make our own decisions. Our freedoms are bought or bartered for behind closed doors and called a gift when offered back to restore it like once before

Our importance was not based on wealth or color or race, our value as a human being was based of who we were.

We had no liberty restrictions; privacy was guaranteed by the constitution and the right to walk free went unchallenged without surveillance

Today, we are enslaved to these written laws laid down by lawyers, and corrupt politicians,

It’s time to clean house and start all over again

The Final Chapter

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