Borderline PTSD
Here I am sitting and pondering how I can change things
again. Never bored but always looking for something has to change. We are stuck
in an undeniable dilemma here in boredom land and boredom is not something
anyone should have to bear. A seeker of constant excitement and stimulation
winds me up like a clock and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I need more. I need
more to satisfy me so I can feel, breathe and know I am alive.
How can I change these tired moments into pleasures? How does
a person relax when he is looking to find a balance or blend between pain and
comfort until it’s enough? Say the word and I will be there by your side as
nothing seems to satisfy me more that doing this boredom thing together. Together
we will find a way to satisfy the life we are living.
Sometimes these trips to the other side hurt a little.
Sometimes the journey desensitizes my emotions as I stop feeling anything at
all. Elbow deep inside the borderline of boredom I stand shoulder deep with you
as we sand side by side, hand in hand. Exposed by a mixture of love and hate I look
forward to being totally free of hate but its killing me just the same. I can
feel a storm coming over me again and again over and over as it bleeds me and
cuts my heart in two.
Sometimes I hear a venomous voice calling out to me. Sometimes
I feel temptation and dark shadows dragging me down to my knees defying gravity
and willpower. I fight with all my might to keep this feeling come over me and
as I connect to your hand, I beg my heart to stay open and keep me from fading
or slipping away. The snake is near, it is shedding its skin and looking in its
eyes I can see he is bound and determined in killing the spirit inside of me.
I feel that touching you will keep me safe. I know that
having you will change my ways and I know that if I can tear these walls of
despair down to the ground, I can love you again. I search for deep water so
the snake will drown. I know that if I can shake this evil spirit, it will all
fade away. Days away from seeing you or touching you, I feel you touching me
and changing me back to the way it was before.
Change is coming through the shadows. I can see my wounds
heal as I stop picking the scabs created by the bites of the snake as it has
been crawling around looking for a weakness. Although confused, I wallow in my
mind to clear my head of any delusions. My shadows is still following me and as
I feel the change, it wants to pull me back inside and poison my memory of you
and all the good things you bring into my life.
I chose to live, I chose to change and I listen to my heart
as it grows fond of the way you hold my hand and take me out of this borderline
of boredom. I see my shadow changing. I see my armor soften up as my heart
yearns and cries for your touch. I am hoping I can clear the way to see you
again as I cross this borderline of boredom back into rationality again. No more
hate, no more paranoia and no more lies to kill the good things life has given
me. I hope to step out of my shadow soon and come out back on the other side.
No comments:
Post a Comment