Setting Boundaries
with Difficult People
Tim Richardson
Life is not as complicated as we make it when we follow or
establish some reasonable boundaries in our lifestyle, behaviors or choices. Boundaries
are not about making threats or ultimatums. This is a process that determines
choices, and consequences for good or bad decisions made. One cannot function in
a wellness state of mind without boundaries.
Boundaries are space setters. It is an imaginable or
intangible limit imposed between you and another person either in personal or
professional relationships. What makes boundaries difficult to adhere to or
follow is the fact that they are guided on your morality or values and not
identified clearly by a razor wire fence or stakes in the ground telling you
where you should go and how you should proceed. This places all the responsibilities
on you, the gatekeeper of your mind and heart. Whether or not you cross that
line and open that forbidden gate is entirely up to you.
Setting boundaries are invisible arrangements of rules which
ensure your trustworthiness as well as those of others. Boundaries serve as
tools for protection as well as comfort. It is a simple way of taking care of
yourself in life. Good boundaries don’t always come easy and have to be learned
the hard way sometimes. It can be easier if you could watch others cross
boundaries and see what happens to them when they do but it just doesn’t work
that way.
Therefore, the way you grow up sets up these boundaries and
hopefully you learn from your mistakes and not repeat them as you define their consequences
in your life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then chances are you
have not learned how to set a boundary or even really know what it is.
Learning to set our own healthy boundaries is an exercise in
personal freedom. It means getting to know ourselves and increasing our
awareness of where we stand and what we stand for. It means letting go of the
unhealthy things or people in our lives so that we can grow into the healthy
person that we were meant to be.
How to set boundaries requires the ability to communicate
and communicate without blaming or lying about the circumstances, emotions or
the impacts. Avoidance is not conducive to setting these parameters in your
life and the better you detail your feelings, expectations and perspectives,
the more effective these boundaries serve your purpose in life.
It is impossible to set boundaries without setting
consequences. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, it is important
that your reactions and interactions are consistent with your values and expectations
and if the other person(s) disregard your attitudes, then you need to confront
them and tell them you cannot or will not tolerate such abuse of your values
and not put up with it without taking the appropriate action to either redirect
the relationship or terminate it.
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