Man, I really Screwed Up

Man, I really Screwed Up

By Carl R. Toersbijns

 

I will try to make this as simple as I can. I quit working a few years ago because I wanted to do something else in life as prison work was the only thing I had done for the past two and a half decades and my mind became stale and obnoxious in the way I thought about things. Never thinking of being a correctional officer before I applied for the job, I thought that prison workers were stupid and ignorant people just like in the movies.

 

I managed to be quite successful as a corrections officer and learned more about life and people that many will never see or experience while working inside a prison filled with humanity. I never stopped learning and I never quit trying when the going got tough and I was overrun by personal challenges as well as workplace obstacles and barriers.

 

I had never played this game before thus I relied on mentors and others to learn the trade and learn it well. I won’t lie and say I never messed up because I did but I learned for being stupid. Quickly I sought different ways to help fix my problems and became quite good at fixing problems because frankly, there were so many of them and some were really bad.

 

Sorry, I can’t or won’t write the fine details on each problem but what is important are the lessons learned from each mistake. I accepted suggestions and ideas freely and any offer for a useful resolution was welcomed. I knew I could not fix these problems alone so I relied on family, friends and co-workers to help me out. It seemed to have made a big difference as many of these friends and co-workers stood by me as I learned to become better at what I chose to do.

 

This method of problem solving paved a path of success. A path that was created built and designed by many and not just one. This path became clearer as each day passed as the supportive circle around me steered me in the right direction, most of the time.

 

I rarely missed my target. I tried hard to succeed and excel and worked hard day and night, holidays and weekends. I sacrificed time and automatically defaulted into a business mode that impacted my family as well as my personal life.

For that I regret that I didn’t realize and identify this sadness as one of my problems at the time as I could have repaired some of the damage done.

 

Today, I am appreciative and sorry at the same time. Appreciative that I had the kind of support that allowed my professional goals and endeavors to be successful.  However, I am sorry I didn’t ask for help when my personal relationships were on the line and unreadable at the time it happened for it could have been handled different.

 

I am just a simple human being; I erred in some ways and did right in others. I tried to balance my world and found harmony along the way along with sorrow.

 

I know I totally screwed up along the way but I think, if anyone is wondering, it came out all right in the long run because we are human and humans forgive those that sincerely confess and ask for understanding from those they love and care for.

 

November 29, 2012